If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize