my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
