I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
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