I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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