I skipped work to stalk him.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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