I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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