I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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