Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
