i barfeds in our rink
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
that may or may not have been my penis.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
