I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
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