there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
