Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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