i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
