There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
