dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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