when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
