I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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