So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
