you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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