Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
