who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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