Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
