he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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