I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
