JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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