Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
