We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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