I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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