This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
