He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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