my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
