so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
