i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
