The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
