I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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