there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
