afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
