I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
