I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
They have beer where we have blood.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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