The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
