she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
