I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
