Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
