This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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