WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
