I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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