she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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