he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
