Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
