Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
