There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Pants are for mortals
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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