she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
