he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
