The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Randomize
