I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
