Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
