your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
