dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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