so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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